I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
