Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
