My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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