Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
