Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
