When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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