I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
