My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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