every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
