if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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