i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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