and she was petting her beer can
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
