I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
