Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
