So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
