I'm jealous of your bromance
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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