dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
