you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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