Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
