My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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