the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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