Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
