rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
