Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
