My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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