he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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