My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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