I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
