I think I won the penis lottery.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
