i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All I want is dick and wine.
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