If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
