Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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