we made out on top of his cat.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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