I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
