HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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