So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
