I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
