Pappa wants mamma naked
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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