I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Randomize
