He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
