i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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