theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
