32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
