I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
