sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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