i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
