Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
