Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
