mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
