last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I smell like Dick and happiness
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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