I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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