I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Randomize
