I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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